you're right. we both haven't been completely open with each other. of course, we don't talk much. good for you, happy to know you're fixing bad ends. it's all good rofl. course i know our communication is horrible, i'm the cause of it 99% of the time. trust me. it ain't love. LMAO. rude, but truth hurts. i only say that cause this is faaaaaar from this thing you call "love", we're in a book but in different pages, different chapters. not even. maybe i'm book 1 and you're a sequel . that's how far i feel. either that, or i've been reading too much. no. you don't need things to stop the way you are, are you dumb? don't change yourself for anybody if they don't deserve it, i swear i taught you better. you've hurt me too much? how ironic. ..you know what else makes me feel .. LOL-ish? you have to think about it to know you want to be with me. it's jokes. i don't believe in changing for another person. i don't believe in falling in love. i don't believe in a good relationship anymore. it's not about you, but my experiences, my knowledge, what i've been through. honestly.. lately, you've been doing the craziest things to get on my nerves, and you don't even notice. that's te funny thing. thing with #1. i'm glad you guys are good. it's whaaaatever. notice. you trust her. you can run to her. she's there for you. she understands you. am i any of that? you need her. i'm not even saying anything about it because it's the same for me. i got someone, you got someone. funny how they're exes, but whatever's smooth =) no worries. i completely understand she was your first for everything. it's not even her that bothers me, but you. rofl how cruel. but straight up is always best. i've been feeling unappreciated, alone, disrespected, used. waaaait a second. that's exactly how i feel with my family. awesome. so i admit that makes me want to close you off, more of bullshit doesn't help me. i don't know. all i know is i don't give a fuck. i've been thinking about school. how i was, how i was so happy, i was on my own grind, i did my things, independent. i want it back. you apparently know you want to be with me, do i? lost for words. lmao. self control has never been a thing for you, loving, caring, keeping something for long has never been a thing for me. look at all of this in a wide range of view. have you yet? rofl, we're looking for completely different things. you want a committed, down to earth, real true relationship. i don't. you want you to be my everything. i don't. i want to be single. you don't. you like me more than i like you, who can argue with that? you claim you're willing to put all of you, i can barely come up with half. can you see the difference? is it worth any of you if i don't put up my end? you're tellin me you don't know how you feel and a minute later you think you want to be with me. i find it intriguing, haha. sometimes this feels real to me, other times i have to think about it. weigh options. imagine if we were together. awesome, right? imagine we were together arguing. LMAOLMAO breakups. endlessly. truthfully that's how i see that path. i've stopped being mad with you if you do something stupid, talk to other g's, those kinda things. what does that mean?

is it just me or are we never going forward? where is this going, truly? truth be told, i can't take a step further without knowing what's good ahead. it's so easy to take a step back. you're untouched. you can't erase the memories but stop the new ones from happening. that way, people only get half hurt . life's a chain .

honestly? seriously? i'm sick and tired of these past 3 days, i need a change. my arm hurts, my body's tired, my mind's fuucked up, when i thought i had peace war broke in again. breathe. breathe. what else is new?

Baby stop and think about it
Tell me where did we go wrong
How did it end like this
Can we work it out, I doubt it
We did all we could
And baby I can't go on like this
I never did you wrong your trippin'
Listening to your friends and all the bullshit they had to say
It's like they loved you more than I did
So baby roll with' your crew
And do what you gotta' do because

I never wanna kiss you again
Never wanna walk through the park holding your hand
No more talking all night until the early morning
And It's such a shame to say that we'll never be the same... again
Baby stop and think about it
You lied to me, lied to me
Baby stop and think about it
You lied to me, lied to me

The love we once shared girl no longer
It no longer remains and now it's harder, the pain because
She never really knew she wondered
Was she being untrue or was I being a fool because
I'm gone and I'm never coming home
So baby don't call cause I won't answer the phone
Stay out of my life baby just leave me alone
And it's such a shame to say that we'll never be the same

I never wanna kiss you again
Never wanna walk through the park holding your hand
No more talking all night until the early morning
It's such a shame to say that we'll never be the same... again
Baby stop and think about it
You lied to me, lied to me
Baby stop and think about it
You lied to me, lied to me

Girl you told me you'd be there for me
Promised that you'd never leave
You lied to me You lied to me, lied to me
Girl you told me you'd be there for me
Promised that you'd never leave
You lied to me You lied to me, lied to me
Girl you told me you'd be there for me
Promised that you'd never leave
You lied to me You lied to me, lied to me

Now I'm closing the door
Put my heart on the floor I don't love you no more
That's why I I never wanna kiss you again
Never wanna walk through the park holding your hand
No more talking all night until the early morning
It's such a shame to say that we'll never be the same... again

I never wanna kiss you again
Never wanna walk through the park holding your hand
No more talking all night until the early morning
It's such a shame to say that we'll never be the same... again
Baby stop and think about it
You lied to me, lied to me
Baby stop and think about it
You lied to me, lied to me

It's not jealousy. Maybe .. surprising? At the same time, it's not. Maybe it's just disbelief. Disbelief you used to be so insecure about things like this, and I'm here watching you do the same. I don't have a hatred feeling towards them, that's how I know I'm not jealous. Today, I forgot about the first. It didn't occur important to me. Remember you asked me if you were a flirt? I answered full-heartedly yes. My answer doesn't change. Do what you want, but people can't mend the wounds they single handedly made.

ever pulled off unhealed scabs? you bleed ..again ..all over again

my mind
blocked out

my head
throbbing

my lungs
can't breathe

my heart
. . .

it's a reason for you to be relieved. take the weight off your shoulders, clear your head, and bring up a little smile. it'll put you at ease, and the wondering, lingering, close questions are gone. it's time to open up..finally. truly, i thought i wasn't over it. him. well, i was. i didn't and don't like him, want him. i care as a friend, and i guess need sometimes to talk to, but like.. you know the aftermath, it's over and done with , you don't miss him, you guys just talk as friends, etc? rofl, a part of me still held on to his memory, knowing i might never have it again . i listened to our songs, i sat at our place on busses, our jokes were never forgotton. he wasn't a priority, just a cast away memory at the back of my head, not ready to let go even when i pushed with all my force. then time passes by. 2 months. when i saw him, i was silent for words in my mind. sure, i said hi, sure we talked, sure it was casual. wasn't akward. but i couldn't think when it was happening. i couldn't figure out what that meant, and so i left it, concluding that maybe what i was thinking was true. i wasn't over it . it's been a week since that day, and today he wrote a poem about someone. i read the first lines, next, next, next. it obviously wasn't for me, i know who. i thought i'd be hurt. i thought i'd be angry.. but i'm just sitting here happy. because he was missing something, he opened up to me and told me his life seemed a bit empty.. i tried figuring out what it was. honestly, i always knew it was love, i just didn't tell him. and now i believe it's true.. but anyways. i'm .. not hurt. does this mean, i was always over it? lol .. it makes sense that way, and my heart agrees. the feeling of protection, security, a caring friend was always wrapped around me, but never touching me with im. i thought i needed him, but it's finally true. i don't. we were never meant for each other, and we'll never be together again, and i'm 100% alright with that. we figured that out together. i don't regret anything, things happen that we can't control. i've learned, matured, and grew from his experience, and i thank him for that. but we're just not for each other. maybe .. what i truly always needed from the start. Was already by my side.

i am here to rant.. and for the first time, it ain't about my parents, or boys, or school, or my useless dramaqueen life, but other girls. strangers ! i've never did this before, but today was like the end of the line for me. okay so i'm on the bus, with my ipod video & since my crappy headphones are half broken, it wasn't as high as it should've been, so i overheard the conversation going on behind me. i tried ignoring it, but black girls aren't the quietest things. it's how they were born, i understand. it's jokes. but anyways, so this girl was like, "what if we see him? holy, the last time i saw him i was in sweats!" the other girl was like, "so what?" i'm like yesss 2nd girl. anyways, change song. and then, 1st girl: i can't let him see me like that ! like, he has the most amazing swag, if he sees me like all dirty and what not... and i'm like what the fuuck? whatever happened to "sweatpants, hair tied, chillin with no make up on"? and next thing you fuuucking know, these 2 black guys come on the bus. one goes to my school, he noticed me but averted my glare. don't ask : ) LOL anyways, so he noticed the two girls and decides to chop on them. again, my fuucking music wouldn't turn up high and then i was disgusted by the next thing coming: hey, you're looking cute. i'm like ugh! and then tried very very very hard to ignore . i should've moved, thinking back on it .. but then it continued. i think the girl said thank you and the guy was like so what's your name? and she was like mary and him: what school do you go to? her: centinniel (idk how to spell it) and me: WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU TELL HIM? that better be fake -__-" and then him: what grade you in? and she was like: i'm in grade nine. like yo.. i'm sure he was in grade 12. or 11, but yo he still went at it. ew. they looked fucking grade 7, smarten up. then a little conversation went on, i think a very catchy song came on my ipod and i was tuned out for a while. then the tip of my eardrum heard: so can i get your number? and this guy speaks in a VERY VERY strong jamaican accent, not one of those wanna be ones, but it's real, african-ished.. LOL iono, but it's good, i like it but it sounded really funny & dirty at the same time. anyways, she was like: i don't give out my number, sorry. and i was like: yesssss, little yute, 1 point for you. then i heard: give me yours instead. and i'm like: NEGATIVE 1000 ! fuck, get the fuck off this bus. and i was gone. what the hell is happennnning to g's these days ! oh man, i can usually tell when guys just wanna make friends or just wanna get something, they should give you a vibe the first time they look at you, stare at you, talk to you. i learned not to distrust so easily, once i was on the bus going to sauga & some guys came on the bus. guy #1 was chopping a white girl, and i was like oh man. and then the 2nd guy sat beside me and started talking to me. i'm like is he gonna do what his friend did -.- and he asked for my name, i said melody. i'm like my name? melody. he's like is that your real name, melody? i smiled, and he didn't push it. i should've respected that. but anyways, he said something and i'm like yeah, i have a boyfriend. and he was like naw, that's cool, but i'm just tryna talk, like this is just a mutual thing. i have a girlfriend, i just wanna figure something out. and he poured himself out about his girl problems, and i regret slapping him in the face about the boyfriend comment. i know, you shouldn't judge on the spot, i've learned that. but THAT ^ up there. you could talk to someone, but there are limits , if you ain't intrested don't act like it . ARGHHH so angering ! LMAO like.. 1) she was obviously going after someone. 2) that guy shouldn't be chopping a yute -.- 3) don't give out your information, if i go to centinniel and find a mary with glasses and nikes.... =.= 4) i pray to god she wasn't serious about his number. this got me thinking the whole day, what's happening to little girls? jeez . when people are in grade 7, they should be learning how to mature, but not having boyfriends and falling in "love", the fuck? i have to admit, i fell down that path and i must say i would turn back, but yo. things happen for a reason, that period in my past made me who i am today. and i accept it, i love it. but yea, grade sevens i remember used to run from boys, play with cootie catchers and just be a kid. when i was in grade 7, i couldn't wait to be in grade 10. and now that i'm on my way, i wish i could go back. your childhood zooms by fast . too fast. make the best of it .

Broken; 29. I spent so much of my time snapping at myself for thinking in that direction, I vowed to myself I'd never turn back. That I'd leave it behind me forever, a bad habit to be never caught up with again. The last times, I did it for them. So they'd forever be part of me, ink and blood were long. I did it so I felt I was true to them, but looking back now, of course I wasn't. One for my mom, dad, brother, friends. Another time for someone I thought was worth it. That's 5. I matured, I realized it was stupid and pointless. Haha. This time around.. it's not for them, but because of them. A part of it, anger towards them. Another, sorry for the pain I'm causing. Does anyone understand? .. I don't expect you to. Another rule broken.

Up;; Redbull. How childish, right? You can call me soft, but redbull gives me energy. It makes me excited, energized, I could tell my mind popping with ideas, my voice squeeky. I love it. I want it. I forgot about thinking, my body just wanted to move and move. "Redbull gives you wings!" It didn't for me, but it gave me an escape.

Inside;; My parents pretend nothing happened last night. I hate this, I hate this I hate this. I hate people who can leave it behind oh so easily. Maybe I'm overreacting, maybe I'm being a drama queen about it. But when people get hurt, sorry I can't fucking forget about it as easily. My arm hurts, my head hurts from the redbull, my stomach is empty. Jeez. I want one fucking moment at peace.

i'm tired of these fights. i'm tired of leaving things there to grow bigger later on. i'm tired of the same shit over and over and over again, i've said this before: all history does is repeat itself. when i had a break, it broke . how ironic. fuck trust. fuck loyalty. fuck honesty. ..fuck you.

are you serious maaan.. so .. conversation with my mom when she came home:
*pushes door open, it's locked so she decides to bang it down*
i open it, looking at her
"why's your door locked?"
"because i want it locked"
"why does it have to be locked?"
"i didn't say it has to be, i like it locked"
"why didn't you do the dishes?"
"..-_-"
"do you not live in this house?"
"i didn't say that"
she gives me a dirty look and goes downstairs.

they call me to eat, i say no.

i come back from a walk & getting the mail, i leave theirs on the counter and their keys and go upstairs.
mom: you didn't get ours?
me thinking, it's right there... not even gonna fucking answer
she calls me, i ask yes?
"you only get your mail? where's ours huh?"
"right there."
shuts up for a moment.
"what, why aren't you eating with us?"
"i already ate."
"what'd you eat?"
"food."
"what food?"
"the hell??"
"so what, you've decided never to eat with us anymore?"
"nobody said that."
gives me more dirty looks, she looks at my dad, back at me, dad, back at me.
my dad gives me a dirty look
no one says anything so i go back to my room.

i'm tired of this . stupid ass questions, stupid ass mother picking fights with me, stupid ass family . oh, conversation with father.

"where's michael?"
"i don't know."
"you don't know?"
"no."
"do you know when he left?"
"no."
"you don't know what time he woke up?"
"...no , what the fuck why would i care?"
"where he is, when he left, what he eats, you don't care right?"
"why the hell... :@:@:@"
father sees my signs and leaves.

LMFAO LIKE THE FUCK? he's fucking 17 turning 18 in 6 months, i think he's very capable of waking up on his own, finding food to eat, and live his own life. Like duuude.. what am i? there's nothing different about me when you guys are here or not here, i'm in this room. so you bitch at me when you're not here i'm in here. you don't say anything when you guys are here. what am i supposed to be doing ? you bitch at me if i want to go out, you bitch at me for not having money. you bitch at me for not cleaning dishes i don't eat from, folding clothes i don't wear, clean after messes that i never made. i know this is my house, but i'm always HERE, i clean HERE. i've learned after 8 years of my life, why am i cleaning this? i've learned you guys are just waiting for my 90% average in university, my job, and most importantly, my money. you know what they expect? 3 bills a month to live with them. like woah. i can't even make 3 bills a month.

i'm just so sick of this family, not even family. my mother. she wants everything to be fine, but everything can't be if you fucking disrespect my friends, always swear at me, call me mat giay, all you want is money from me, you're fucking waiting for 5 bills i don't owe you. "you better have 5 bills by august, i'm taking it from you" what the hell ? LMAO honestly . i cannn't wait to move out . when i was younger, i told them i'd live with them. they still expect that , even after i told them i don't want to anymore. things change , mommy and daddy . i changed. i'm not 6 anymore . you yourself know i'm too mature for my age, i'm supposed to be enjoying highschool, the last years of a teenager, not working 11 hours a day to pay for stuff i don't use. EVERYTHING you've asked for , for the past 8 years, i've given you. EVERYTHING you need, EVERYTHING you want, EVERYTHING . you want me to be this way, i'm that way. you want me to do this, i did it . now that i'm old enough to make my own choices, and take care of myself since i fucking make the money i use, you hate it .

sorry , but i can't be 6 again . i've seen you through, i'm supposed to have a family to turn to . i'm supposed to only love family. i'm supposed to put family first. I FUCKING HAVE, is this what i get in return ? i want to ink your fucking names , would it be worth it ? i can't talk to any of you. is it love, or obligated feelings? hahaha.. all i'm feeling now is.. neglect, pressured, torment. funny. exact feelings i felt 3 years ago . do you remember that? i scarred myself, i cried everyday, did you notice? no . do you notice now? ..of course not . : )

so i had a dream last night !! ..this morning. whatever. it's been a while i've dreamt, either that or i can't remember my dreams . but this one is kind of vivid, i guess because of the people & experiences. anyways .. so i don't remember the beginning (A) but i remember tyra banks. LOL maybe i was watching her show? anyways she had a bunch of girls over her house and they were talking about being beautiful or something and then one of the girls was her ^o) it was weird .. LMAO and in the end she's like show yourself, you're beautiful you're beautiful and the 2nd tyra shook out her hair and showed her face . hmmm . maybe this means something? buahha. anyyyways.. i remember that i was living in a house with my friends, and my mom was there -__-" but i remember kien, helen, .. LMAO there's a bunch more, just don't remember who. anyways, i was fed up with what was going on in the house so me and kien left the house and took a brand new car. i was driving and i could tell it was horrible, but i didn't crash =/ LOOL then i could tell we were on our way to yorkdale because i saw it and then when i tried parking, i parked fuucking nicely ! i got into the lot and braked and turned off the engine. when we got out of the car, i noticed the car was still moving, slowwwly . i was fuuck ! how do i completely stop it again?! kien was lost . so i pushed the car into another lot and left it there LMAO . (when i woke up at 11 today, i realized i didn't put the car into parking mode -.-") so then we went in, kind of. then there were fireworks going on and i'm like oh yea ! it's canada's day. so we sat there watching it, kind of. then we saw our parents and everyone coming to watch them too and we're like ohhhh fuuck, and we ran into the house. I KNOW ! yorkdale into a house ? enh. so we were running around i guess and they found him first and i guess his dad was biitching at him and i didn't get caught . then they left , and left the car there . i remember my dad saying: they can't park ! why's it all curved , etc. i laughed to myself. so i went to kien, who was squirming on the couch and i'm like are you okay ? and nam came out of nowhere and was like it's helen you have to worry about. i'm like what the fuuck? she's not here . and then we were all sitting there, visith came out of nowhere : so there was me, kien, nam, visith and a next girl , maybe it was helen i don't know D: anyways , so then i was complaining about why the car didn't stop completely, and kien was like oh you push the thing at the side . i'm like WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THAT IN THE CAR? and they were laughing and i was like to visith: shut up, did you know that? he's like yeah. i'm like fuuck. and i woke up. greatest dream in my life because i drove. worst because in the end i got it . LMAO ;(

been shot down one two time many times,
lord, tell me what i've done which sin, which crimes/
the strength i had built up slipped from me again,
the hurt but the laughter ringing in my ear then/
it's a relapse, i had the world into ashes in my hands,
people don't see me within, they never understand/
my walls are up once more, and trust me, they stand tall,
covering the sides, underneath, above, shielding all/

"Lack of loyalty is one of the major causes of failure in every walk of life"

Money on my mind,
fuck bitches,
Money on my mind
Money on my mind
Money on my mind
fuck bitches,
Money on my mind,
fuck bitches, Get money
Money on my mind

It's slowly breaking apart, can't you see?
When will I breathe, when can I be me?
You're the best, but truthfully the worst,
I can't stand the pain, the torment, the hurt.
You fly with me but also kick me down,
I'm up with the clouds, next the fuckin ground.
My heart's beating, but black & blue forming,
I'm smiling but inside my world's storming.




loyalty goes a long way.. hurt me once, okay. hurt me twice, what the fuck. hurt me again, fuck you. i'm tired of being stepped on all the time, dragged by the throat so i'm breathless, speechless, stomped on.. broken ribs, bruised heart. what else is new ?

I used to be quiet. I used to be smart. I used to be laid-back, taking everything that was going on around me in. I used to do things on my own, I used to do me. I used to always be prepared, always on time, always perfect. I used to be helpful, I used to try. I used to be independent, I used to be a role model. I used to be looked up at, mentally, of course. I used to be admired, people wondered how I was such a nerd. It was all in the mind. When I had the motivation to do well, I did well. I hate now. I dislike how 'used' was used for every single sentence. And the one I just typed. Lol. I promised myself I wouldn't fall down again, I wouldn't shed a tear, I wouldn't be torn up. I wouldn't show weakness, I would always be standing and tall. I told myself if I let myself fall, nothing would be the same. I told myself, I told myself, I fucking told myself ! Now that I've fell, bled, and cried, I only have myself to blame. Fuck this cycle.

the pain is barely recogizable. actually, it's not. i can see it clearly. i can feel it also way too clearly. whenever it happens again, i'm pushed with a force so hard it feels new. the pain drives my mind and body focusing on one thing: the alcohol. no. i don't need it, don't want it. you know you do, michele. you know you can't live without it. my insides are twisted together, my eyes teary but dried up, i'm swallowing down the tears. the music is deaf to my ears, i'm trying to get with the beats but the music is closing out, the thought of alcohol driving me into insanity. why? why are you doing this to me .. i only want family. i only love family. i tried holding us down for so long, why?! fuck ! i've neglected and ignored our troubles, i let your jousts go, i smiled at your pain, i just blasted the music so the moments would pass. i .. can't deal with this anymore. the man doesn't talk. he only does to never stop talking. only does to joke around, tease me, he knows he's pissing me off but he doesn't give a fuck. and when i need someone there the most, he's silent. he walks away, turns his back, closes the door, sits down and drinks a beer. the woman never stops talking. always, always ALWAYS FUCKING questioning me, why do you do it like this? what are you doing? why are you doing that? who are you talking to? BADGERING, QUESTION AFTER FUCKING QUESTION, AND WHEN I NEED YOU MOST? i've never turned to you. you never let me. i thought, maybe i'm just being a normal teenage girl, where i think now is the end of the world, where i complicate things 100x worse because it's what a teenager does. but is it me? i didn't choose to be this way, i didn't want to turn to alcohol whenever FAMILY fucks me over, i didn't want us to fall apart. when i thought i was pulling my walls down, it turns out more people leave. they were fighting to break down my walls, and when i let them they twist on their heels and walk. why. why why why. i want the alcohol . "she doesn't want to be part of this family anymore" .. i promised myself i wouldn't cry. i won't. i'll be here dying inside.