Hey ! I'm home from one of the longest days of my life. Well. Not really, just a lot of missioning. Haha. So, after a lot of questioning from Richy, Daniel, Derek, Mark, and Duyen, Yolanda decides she wants to go to Eatons instead of Wonderland. I agreed, since I planned the day for Yolanda first. I love spending days with Yolanda, I mean, not only because she's my main girl, but she's safe. As in, good influences, smart choices, takes time, and obviously a well tight schedule. I love it. Anyways, I'm in writer-mode right now so I might talk a lot. Oh well. You know when you know you have to wake up early the following morning, so your brain tells you to get up earlier than you have to? Well, that happened to me. I put my alarm for 9, and woke up at 8:30. I almost got up, until I heard my mother in the shower and I remembered I could get more sleep. I turned my alarm off, and told myself just 10 more minutes. Try another hour. I woke up at 9:24, and hurriedly got up and grabbed the clothes I set out last night and showered. I got ready, and was done by the time Yolanda got to my house, 10:35. We left the house to catch our 10:42 bus, and on our way we saw it pass us. Fail #1. We missed our bus. So we decided to take the other one, which was coming around anyways. As we got there, it passed us. Fail #2. So, we waited at our bus stop for it to come around, and had talks. 15 minutes pass, and the bus came. We got up, and realized it said Sorry, out of service. Fail #3. I said, it's normal, another one will come. The bus driver was looking out at us, and when the light turned green, he smiled and gave me a wave before driving away. Like he knew we were going to wait a long time. Damn black guy! So we waited for another 40 minutes or so, before it finally came. When we arrived at BCC, we saw a Yorkdale Go Bus. And I'm like we could catch it if we hurry. We went and got our tickets, and the bus was gone. Fail #4. Ugh. We asked the rude black girl what time the next one was coming, and she said quarter 2. I'm guessing that means quarter to 2? And I'm like fuck that, that's way too long. It was almost 12 that moment. So, Yolanda decides to call Kien and ask for a ride, since he was going there anyways. He said alright, and we had to bus all the way back where we came from, since Kien lives right behind me. Argh! So Kien gave us a ride, and I felt horrible because we were just using his mom for a ride, and his mom dislikes me in the first place. But she acted nice, so I hope she didn't mind. Anyways, we looked at a map for the Subway Station since I couldn't remember, haha. Like c'mon. It's been like 1-2 years since I've been on the subway. Those were the days. I was led, went along with people and wasn't worried about getting lost. Here, I was. I was the directions, so it was confusing a bit. Anyways, we asked the white lady at the Go Bus Station what time the BCC Go Bus would be there and she gave us a list of times and highlighted it for us. Isn't that so much nicer than the black girl!? Jeez. Anyways. So then we went downstairs for the subway station and again got confused. We watched people pay for tokens, or tickets, and were confused as to what to do. I called Daniel, and he said take the bus to Queen. I was like what? Okay, nevermind, we'll find our own way. We watched as some people put money in and just passed, so we did just that. Awesome. So we continued, and had to take the southbound to St. George Station. Easy enough, it was right in front of our faces. Oh man, the subways. I forgot how it actually felt. I remember just being lost, and following the crew wherever. But this time, it was so noisy but quiet at the same time, and I loved it. The fastness, the bells, the so many different people. I could've just been on a subway all day long and do nothing. But I don't know, I just felt a sort of calmness about it. I figured out something today - I love subways! A must do again. Haha. We got to Eatons just fine. Haha, when we arrived, we had another obstacle. How to get out of the mall? Fail # 5. After 20 minutes, we found our way and started walking to Korean BBQ. Kien and Yolanda didn't know the name of the place, so that was also fail. We just kept walking straight until I saw it, and the food was alright. First time for everything, right? :D Then we did a bit of shopping downtown, and decided to shop around Eatons. When we passed a few black guys, they came up to us talking about kids or something, but he wanted change and he flipped out his wallet and and I couldn't help but notice about 20 bills of 20's. I'm like what the fuck? He was showing us a card of his teacher shiet, but we wanted him to shut up so I gave him all my change. It was like 40 cents. He's like that's it?! I'm like yo what do you want from me, that's all my change. Yolanda gave him about 80 cents, and he's like let's at least make a dollar. Yolanda gave him another quarter, and we left. Another couple of black guys handed me tootsie rolls, and I took them, and he's like we just expect a small donation. I'm like are you serious man? Those guys just ..ARGH! and I walked away briskly, giving back his stupid chocolate. Jeez. I wish Daniel was there, he would've made a rude comment to make the situation pretty. But anyways! Blah, blah blah. Now, going home. Oh my. We were supposed to take Northbound back to Bloor Station, but neither of us looked at the sign and we went through Southbound. We paid for nothing! Gr! Waste of 2.75. Oh well, lesson learned. So we got out, paid again, and went home back to Yorkdale. I went shopping, and spent 51.50 on skinny jeans and a sweater. Jeez. Oh well, I needed to go shopping. So we gobussed home, and at BCC we asked how much was a belly piercing. He told me 50 bucks. Was it worth it? I wanted to get it done with Yolanda, so we left. I paid my phone bill (after 3 months :D) and we bussed home. It was pretty fun. I got home, and Yolanda left about 20 minutes later. I cleaned up even though it was already clean, I organized a bit and I decided to write before answering anybody on msn. Tiring day, but fun. And funny. 5 Fails. I'm pretty sure there were more, just didn't come up to mind yet, haha. I saw Jennifer Do, although she didn't see me. Msg her later. I saw Monica Vee, but we were both in a rush so we just said hi's and waves. I think that's it. Anyways, I must do shopping again ! It's been a while I've spent money. That's a lie. But no one has to know : ) Haha. My feet hurt, and I'm just waiting on someone to text me back and get his ass home. Anyways, until next time "dramatic" or another adventure, talk in this soon. This was one of my longest entries, I hope whoever's reading this is glad! Lol. Bye! Oh, just about to add. We wasted about 45 dollars on bussing today. Nice. -__-"

it's time to let go. i'm sorry

i'm not sure how i feel about this..

this isn't how it's supposed to be. i'm not the one who's supposed to be hurt. i'm not supposed to be the one chasing you. i'm not supposed to be the only one trying to make things happen, fix things, take the initiative. it's not me. i didn't go through the most important thing in my life just for this, i deserve more. i've taught myself so much more. this is how it's going to be. i'm going to continue doing me. you continue doing you. you continue doing you. you continue doing you. we'll all live our seperate lives, and if you want part of my life, work the fuck for it. i'm sick and tired of letting people in, helping them out, and .. and what michele? and the people are still hurt, and me along with it. it's not how it's supposed to be. i don't know. does anyone ever know anything? i vowed myself to be on the road of happiness. definitely not where i'm headed right now. clenching strength in my hands, trying to believe in the word, and it's slipping, slowly, away from my grasp. it's far, it's hard, it's gone. the people who said they're always here for me. no. you're not. you're only there when i show all the symptoms of a breakdown, and that's when you're too late. the pain has already been done.

i know. you're trying to ignore me and be sure i'll be happy with the other. you're trying to neglect your feelings, you're unsure what to do anymore.. i get it . i guess .. it's for what's best? i mean, it's what we both want, right? well. all. but i have to ask you something - are you going to be happy? because that's what comes first for me. others' happiness. if you're not happy, i wish you'd tell me, it would make things so much easier.. i don't know anymore. you're refusing to open up to me, you're leaving me questions and.. uncertainty. lol at the same time i know she's still in your heart. maybe it's not only me that has to fix out things.

you can't.. hurt me. on purpose. knowing you are, knowing i'll read it, having the knowledge you will. and be smug about it. and then in the next second, be nice again. you're confused.. but you're confusing. you told me not to do anything stupid while you're gone. lol . myyyyyy bad. i fell down the stairs when i was tipsy . took more shots at home. and i was angry, so i did angry things. tellin you now. so if you WERE trying to get at something, i think you've achieved that. because i'm certainly not happy .

i guess it is partially my fault . what do you want me to say? i'm sorry . you'll never read this . you told me not to let go, you're making it hard . i don't know what goes on through your mind anymore. rofl what am i saying? i never did. never will.

what the heck?!? you tell me one thing and i get another. i don't get it .. i'm so confused :(

to do what vexxes me the most.. continuously, and on top of that, intentionally crossed the line. i don't know what you were thinking. you say you let your anger get to you, but it still comes down to you were trying to hurt me. maybe i do the same. maybe i don't. i say something, others and you might say something else. all i know is.. you're going soon, and i'm not sure how i feel about that. a part of me is happy you are. not because you are, but you need it. you need a getaway, a moment in your life where you have a break. another part of me.. regrets it has to be this way. i never wanted anything to happen. it was all in the moment. the more i try and be a friend, the more you like me. what does that tell me? even after i drew the lines, you ignore that fact and tell me other shit. you've been doing that.. well . a lot. too much, lately. it makes me stop and think if you're as considerate as i thought you were. if you're respectful. okay, i must give you the fact that everything you've done is for me, or us, and you only want to make us work. you only want both of us to be happy, you only want peace and happiness. and i'm not giving that. what i'm giving is more anger, arguements, and obviously, not happiness. pain. isn't it funny, i've been trying to avoid that for.. ever. and in the end it just triples up? do you understand why i like being alone..? it's so nobody can get hurt. not even me. me, i'm used to it. and i learned to love it. others, they can't touch me and i won't touch them so they won't get hurt. i choose to be friends because it's best for us. i don't know if you understand that.. but you're not giving me a way to see how you're doing. i get it. last night i would've wrote one of these snapping like crazy. i still have that built up. you intentionally hurt me. you can't let go of me..but i can't let that go. i hope you have a great vacation, you deserve it.

i wanna shed tears but they don't fall,
i'm crying out, do you hear my calls?/
the person who was my bestfriend,
left me here in the dark alone in the end/
my pain will never amount to hers,
it's what you caused, she's to endure/
i hope you're happy, tears have shed,
one, two, three, to floor, to the dead.

i never thought i'd have to write another one of these -_-" i said i don't regret much - it's because i don't regret us. i've learned tons, and i can't pretend i wasn't happy. you've taught me the best and the worst, guided me through so much, and taught me how to love again. you're saying things like i never cared, or noticed your efforts. everyday. i care for you, because you're supposed to be my bestfriend. i've helped you get back up back then, and did again. i always want to be.. but sometimes things don't happen the way we want them to. it's not like i wanted this to end like this. it's just . i've had so many doubts, after a couple of things happened. it's whatever, it happened, okay. and then things built up and my doubt just grew. and so did my anger. you did so many things to make me angry, and i didn't let it go. not even till this morning -__- ever since. the beach day? the first one. you said you wouldn't leave and you did. then everything about visith. then you dancing with other girls. then everything about quynh. then the shit with my arm. then yelling at me on the phone? AND THE THING THAT PISSES ME OFF THE MOST? YOU LEAVE IT BEHIND AND PRETEND IT DIDN'T HAPPEN. LMAOLMAOLMAO. we fight, and after you still have the nerves to call me lovely or pookie or whatever the fuck. like what the shit? did that not JUST happen? fucking freal. after all of this i just wanted to open up the unhealed scars, fucking hell. people who actually asked why ! stopped me . you tell me you never thought i cared. you tell me you always thought i was done with it long ago. you tell me you know i was so called leading you on. so why so surprised? to be continued.

1: i don't have many regrets. actually .. almost none. i was taught to not regret, who teached? myself. i'll pick myself up and stand on my own feet. i'll hold my strength key and smile. i'll love, adore, care others. i'm tired of being down. what you've been showing me lately isn't what i want. and straight up, need. i've said it before, fuck you. i don't 100% mean that, but.. rephrase: forget me.

2: i can't stop thinking about you..

i broke your heart, how is mine too?

been so messed lately, i don't know how much longer i can take it

looking at them. there's no regret. no pain. no happiness. nothing. i don't feel anything. i'm asking myself, why aren't they fading? at the same time, what do you know, michele? the last time it wasn't like this. the last time, it was pressure. lonliness. regret. isolation. grief. self-doubt. everything one person shouldn't feel at all in their lifetime. this time.. it was .. haha. the same exact things. isn't that weird. i can see skin stretching itself over the pink skin, it is so tempting to stop the healing. 31. 14 make a word, 6 make big lines. techinically 15.

i've been sitting here..and not thinking about others. this is just how i am. i always make it about myself, and not even consider how others are feeling. i always claim to be the most caring, trusting, friend anyone could have because i put others before me, but it's bullshit. queen of superficial. don't even lie, people. when you needed someone the most, can you say i was there to help you? maybe once upon a time. lately? that's not how i promised a friend to be. i told you i'd be there whenever you need, i'll be with you through whatever. lol. well if you put it that way. . haha. i will be. as long as you want me to, i'll never leave your side as a friend. where am i going with this? i'm trying to make a part 2 and it's going basically nowhere. just like my life. rofl. i just feel. like it's the end. i don't know why.. i had so many plans for myself, and now i don't give two cents if they work out or not . where has my motivation gone.. ? queen of superficial. teachers, classmates, friends, principals saw my fake side. was it fake? i don't even know myself. i have doubts because i tried so hard, but now.. i don't. what does that mean? why can't anyone give me answers but myself? it's always about you, isn't it michele? you only have yourself to blame. and it's about me again! how .. surprising. but it's true. you drove yourself into this. you made yourself believe you only have yourself, you only got yourself to hold you up, you only got yourself in life. and now as soon as people enter my life, you push them out because you're not used to it, you don't want it, you think you don't need it. maybe that's why my last relationship failed. i made it all about myself, and didn't give enough attention to him, who needed me most. and when he came to his senses, he let it drop and i made it about myself. again. people are always out after you, aren't they michele. they're never there, they don't care, they're all fake. really? can you seriously, truly say that? you've met some of the best people in life, you know you wouldn't have the same people in a million years, and you're letting it go. i'm trying so hard to become who i was, and i'm not paying attention to the people who are trying so hard to stay in my life. i don't know. i don't know where i'm going with this. i could. i could ask for my life back, i could still be what i am now tied to what i want. what i was..the strong, independent girl.. that's who i felt the real me. i don't know if it's just summer, and i don't have much to do, but i'm slipping. hard and fast. my parents can't look me in the eye, my friends never see me with them, my cousins don't see my fake smile, my girls are never. there for me, my homies .. at least i could always count on them. and the one person. feels .. worse than me. again.. this is all about you, michele . at the same time, it's my blog. my words. my feelings. i go to work to get my mind off things, except i'm piled with 100x more. i try to write, but my hands hurt. i try to come up with words, but they retaliate. i try to read, but my eyes won't follow the letters. blasting music is like..the only remedy. this isn't the time to talk about music. back on topic. *zip. what do you want, michele? why is it so hard to say. why is it so hard for you to open up, let the walls down? it's because even if i do, there's nothing to say. i'm wordless. heartless.

You're right. We did do good, in the beginning. But all good things come to an end. Seems like we've.. not even. you've. Been pushing so hard to make this work, and I've given nothing in return. I don't know why you don't see that. And if you do, you still haven't given up. Rofl. Maybe I am the only one you want to be with, but it's kind of hard to believe. If I said that to you, would you believe my words? Lol. You don't want me to pity you or lead you on .. Lol. I don't even know what's going on anymore. It's almost like it didn't change at all, we've been apart and not talking and distanced. When we talk, it turns into an argument. Hands down. I can't even bring up words because I almost have nothing to say. I'm trying to open up. I just can't anymore.

you'll never understand me..

over & beyond. typical mother. to show my brother, for her to show my father was crossing the line. i looked in disbelief in her eyes and saw nothing in return. but to pull down my sleeves, bitching and yelling, in front of my cousins, too? what did you expect, more fucking lines ? you didn't seem to notice the new ones over the old ones . that's how you scar them, mother. you open up the pink skin, over and over so it can't heal. you failed to notice why, when, how, and what. and now you want to buy remedies? buy me medicine. tell me i better let it heal. tell me i better not make more. you might be able to heal the cuts, but you'll never be able to heal the pain.

Not only do I like the skin, but I guess it does reflect me in some way. Superficial. No, I'm not fake or twofaced or a backstabbing whore like those you see in the movies. No, I don't wear pounds of makeup or dress to impress. No, I don't tell lies. I consider myself to be pretty real.. but what I mean about being superficial isn't to others, or looks. But myself. I've noticed. I've been lying to myself for so long, I feel like I'm superficial. When I read the skin's quote, I was like.. oh wow. How long will it be until I can say the truth outloud? It runs through my mind, why can't I bring it out? What's there left to hide, Michele? Queen of superficial.

this is so fucking ridiculous. i can't deal with this any longer

it's actually pretty simple. maybe we've just been complicating this situation for .. well . i can't think of a reason. i feel distanced. we were so close, so open, so sharing . i used to be able to open up my walls for you, share my mind, pour my heart . key words: used to. i don't like the idea at all.. but so far, nothing has changed . it's been a while . honestly. i don't know what i want, never did. i know i'm coming off as a stone cold bitch, i really don't want to .. but i don't know . it's so easy to be when you're trying to let go of something. it's harder when you know you're causing pain. for me, it comes down to this: me.. or the other? for me, i'll be free. i have a chance to be happy. i can be the old me, what i've been missing. carefree.. for the other. it's torture. pain, hurt . excruitating. i can fullheartedly smile, or protect the other from the pain . i feel unbalanced. i'm going back to the old ways, not too long ago, when i was blissfully happy. but another part holds on to this .. side. it's thinking the people, the drinks, the drugs, the high.. going into grade 9, i was quiet, shy to new. teachers knew me as a hardworker, organized, smart, they'd say: she's trying for something in her life. when somebody needed a helper, they would suggest me, and i'd be happy to help. i'd be at school for 12 hours, volunteering. i was friendly to others, i hoped they saw me as someone caring and friendly. people called me independent, they only saw me with headphones in my ear and my little.. asian crew. we were freshman. the first month took time getting used to, but we blended right in. me and my bestfriend through everything together. christmas break. without school, i messed up. i lost 3 good friends all in one minute. my bestfriend was hiding stuff from me, my "brother" was talking behind my back, and my friend was spreading rumours. i messed up. i left them from my life, and only two apologized. i have them in my life now, and it's all smooth. i finished grade 9 with a 89% average, all E's, perfect attendance, top of/in every class, working every weekend, and 50+ volunteer hours finished. going into semester 2, i had the same motivation. "i'm going to do better for myself, and my family because they deserve it. i'm going to prove everybody that ever doubted me, that i'm not like others. i can do it." every morning.. "agenda, check. homework, check. pencil case, check. keys, check. money, check. makeup, check. jewelry, check. brains. check." and i left the house for school . i loved it. no, i love it. i can't wait for summer to end, i can't wait to be at school, walking to my next class, ready to learn. i can't wait.. lol. i told my parents . in semester 1, we were oh so close. i opened up to them once in my life, told them about my plans, about what i wanted to do, how i was going to do it, and i was too busy working to go out. they loved it. back to semester 2. february. i started out great. good marks, perfect attendance, a smile everyday. i had enough hours of sleep, of course i would be smiling. march. march break, to be exact. it was a week without school, i guess i could've messed up. i broke down my walls. after 8 months of being single, someone came along. i have to admit. i guess i did have someone in my life from about.. october/november. it didn't work out, lol . but anyways. i don't remember when we started talking, i'm usually great at dates..but anyways. let's call the person 20. me and 20 started talking, a lot, flirting, connecting, it was infatuation if we both look back at it now. we chilled on the 18th, and on the 19-20th spent 11 hours on the phone. on the 20th, we were together. it started out okay, i guess. but after 2 weeks or so, i noticed a slight change. 20 was getting bored, i was getting bored. it wasn't like the chopping scenes. obviously, it moved to the next step already. after a month, we talked but not enough, we both knew where it was going to end up. 2 months, 20 ended it . well .. it was mutual . may 28th. see i remember this date -_- anyways. during those months.. i messed up. reaaaal bad. my marks dropped by 10% in every class but art, i came late, i cared less. if i was running late for work, i'd shrug my shoulders and say to myself, oh well. if i got a 50-70 on something, i'd shrug my shoulders and say to myself, oh well. don't get me wrong. 20 didn't fuck me over. it wasn't because of him that caused my thoughts, actions. it's because i let my walls down for him. and they didn't come back up, when i should've. i let someone come close to me, and that's what fucked me over. another person came into my life.. 14. of course, you're thinking - why? why would you do that if your walls were down, you knew you'd get hurt ! i don't know. i guess when you're in the moment, things happen. haha.. in april. every weekend i got drunk. i k.o'd on the 11th, had a performance on the 12th. my mother had to come to the party, drag me to the car and drive me home. she pulled me out from a party i knew only about 10 people from, my cousins helping. i'm not proud. by june, i gave up. i stopped trying. i guessed on tests, quizzes, the exams, eqao. i got 50 on my eqao, then 80 on the next one. not so bad. but barely passed. it's saddening, actually. i was a straight a student to b's and c's. how'd it happen .. i came late to school almost everyday, i didn't care. i let myself fall so hard, and i didn't care. it's been 5 months that i've opened up. this is one of the last. i'm tired of going nowhere, i'm tired of being hungover, i'm tired of sleeping, i'm tired of seeing disappointed faces on my parents everyday. i'm tired of this moment, all i want to do is make my phfamily happy. why's it so hard..? it used to be so easy . music pounding in my ears, it's the only thing i can trust . connecting with the lyrics, feeling the beats, drums, sailing over the guitars, violins, i love music. this is getting really jumpy, you're probably wondering where i'm trying to go with this. i really don't know. i'm just letting it all out, typing as fast as i could , slowing down, and another outrage. lmao. nowadays.. i could barely go on a day without a redbull, i'm broke.. again.. my exes are talking to me, people telling me to come out, ugh. it's hard to be left alone. i don't know. don't read this if you got this far, it'll make no sense. i've lost the mind to open up. LOL, now i feel like being stupid so i'll stop. this is part one. it's time to let go..but for now, i gotta go : ). fin.

you ask me why . how can i answer? what way, where do i start? how do i tell you, more than half of them are because of you? i'm holding back the tears, with all my will because there's no reason to cry . they don't care, they don't care . all of them walked away . my throat constricting, my eyes repeatedly blinking, my nose won't shut up. you don't understand, this will just make me want to do more. it's nothing it's nothing. my new motto . 31 . it's really 15. but reality is 31. enh. i don't regret it. i won't tell you. i won't cry. i've done enough my whole life. instead of asking me why, ask yourself, why do i get drunk? why do i leave the house 20 hours a day? why do i not care? why do i bitch at her for no reason? you make everything about yourself, i know some kids do it for attention. is this for attention? i disagree . i tried for 14 years of my life for attention, i don't want it, need it anymore. it's funny how i wanted you guys here so bad , you guys weren't. and when i don't give two cents, you're suddenly all up in my face . i love it . i love you guys . hahahahha .

this is so retarded, why am i putting up with this ? what else did you expect michele, history . history history repeats its motherfucking self, what else is new??? i hate myself for doing this to myself, i can't look at it, i can't feel it . it's never different . you always always always find a way to piss me off, tease me, kick me down, then change your game around to act like nothing happened . I CAN'T DO THAT ANYMORE, I'M SICK AND TIRED OF THIS ALL THIS FUCKING BULLSHIT. WHY IS IT SO EASY FOR YOU ? EVERYTHING ! YOU CAN JUST DROP IT LEAVE IT AND PRETEND EVERYTHING'S ALL FUCKING RIGHT . looking at my own blood, doesn't make me proud. it fucking sickens me . how could i do that to myself? but i can't stop . it's the only thing i can turn to, i need it, it's automatic. you don't understand. what are you scared of michele? she'll never be her, she'll never pick herself up, she'll never smile again? why are you holding on, why are you hurting yourself, why WHY DOESN'T ANYONE GET IT ?

my mind is telling me it hurts, stop. but my heart digs deeper. my heart tells me, you deserve it . do it for them. and in the end..it feels better. i take in the pain and let it take over me, calming. soothingly. blood oozing, scabs peel off, the old ones are old. new ones appear. my arm numbs, constricting, stretching, holding pains. s'all good .

how awesome of you . and you tell me not to get addicted to alcohol . too late. you're late, i shouldn't be surprised, but drunk, too? and i thought you would've had a better reason. 'i forgot' i would've taken easier . you have the guts to joke around, be stupid, and try to drive home? i have nothing to say, i hope you remember this in the morning.

admit it. you know all you want is my money . you've been waiting a month for it . when i come up with it, you bitch at me .. for giving you money .. um? what the fuck ? i'm so sick and tired of this family, i don't even know what the fuck you want from me anymore. do you notice? do you care?

it's stinging . deeper . only thing that makes everything better