the pain is barely recogizable. actually, it's not. i can see it clearly. i can feel it also way too clearly. whenever it happens again, i'm pushed with a force so hard it feels new. the pain drives my mind and body focusing on one thing: the alcohol. no. i don't need it, don't want it. you know you do, michele. you know you can't live without it. my insides are twisted together, my eyes teary but dried up, i'm swallowing down the tears. the music is deaf to my ears, i'm trying to get with the beats but the music is closing out, the thought of alcohol driving me into insanity. why? why are you doing this to me .. i only want family. i only love family. i tried holding us down for so long, why?! fuck ! i've neglected and ignored our troubles, i let your jousts go, i smiled at your pain, i just blasted the music so the moments would pass. i .. can't deal with this anymore. the man doesn't talk. he only does to never stop talking. only does to joke around, tease me, he knows he's pissing me off but he doesn't give a fuck. and when i need someone there the most, he's silent. he walks away, turns his back, closes the door, sits down and drinks a beer. the woman never stops talking. always, always ALWAYS FUCKING questioning me, why do you do it like this? what are you doing? why are you doing that? who are you talking to? BADGERING, QUESTION AFTER FUCKING QUESTION, AND WHEN I NEED YOU MOST? i've never turned to you. you never let me. i thought, maybe i'm just being a normal teenage girl, where i think now is the end of the world, where i complicate things 100x worse because it's what a teenager does. but is it me? i didn't choose to be this way, i didn't want to turn to alcohol whenever FAMILY fucks me over, i didn't want us to fall apart. when i thought i was pulling my walls down, it turns out more people leave. they were fighting to break down my walls, and when i let them they twist on their heels and walk. why. why why why. i want the alcohol . "she doesn't want to be part of this family anymore" .. i promised myself i wouldn't cry. i won't. i'll be here dying inside.