it's actually pretty simple. maybe we've just been complicating this situation for .. well . i can't think of a reason. i feel distanced. we were so close, so open, so sharing . i used to be able to open up my walls for you, share my mind, pour my heart . key words: used to. i don't like the idea at all.. but so far, nothing has changed . it's been a while . honestly. i don't know what i want, never did. i know i'm coming off as a stone cold bitch, i really don't want to .. but i don't know . it's so easy to be when you're trying to let go of something. it's harder when you know you're causing pain. for me, it comes down to this: me.. or the other? for me, i'll be free. i have a chance to be happy. i can be the old me, what i've been missing. carefree.. for the other. it's torture. pain, hurt . excruitating. i can fullheartedly smile, or protect the other from the pain . i feel unbalanced. i'm going back to the old ways, not too long ago, when i was blissfully happy. but another part holds on to this .. side. it's thinking the people, the drinks, the drugs, the high.. going into grade 9, i was quiet, shy to new. teachers knew me as a hardworker, organized, smart, they'd say: she's trying for something in her life. when somebody needed a helper, they would suggest me, and i'd be happy to help. i'd be at school for 12 hours, volunteering. i was friendly to others, i hoped they saw me as someone caring and friendly. people called me independent, they only saw me with headphones in my ear and my little.. asian crew. we were freshman. the first month took time getting used to, but we blended right in. me and my bestfriend through everything together. christmas break. without school, i messed up. i lost 3 good friends all in one minute. my bestfriend was hiding stuff from me, my "brother" was talking behind my back, and my friend was spreading rumours. i messed up. i left them from my life, and only two apologized. i have them in my life now, and it's all smooth. i finished grade 9 with a 89% average, all E's, perfect attendance, top of/in every class, working every weekend, and 50+ volunteer hours finished. going into semester 2, i had the same motivation. "i'm going to do better for myself, and my family because they deserve it. i'm going to prove everybody that ever doubted me, that i'm not like others. i can do it." every morning.. "agenda, check. homework, check. pencil case, check. keys, check. money, check. makeup, check. jewelry, check. brains. check." and i left the house for school . i loved it. no, i love it. i can't wait for summer to end, i can't wait to be at school, walking to my next class, ready to learn. i can't wait.. lol. i told my parents . in semester 1, we were oh so close. i opened up to them once in my life, told them about my plans, about what i wanted to do, how i was going to do it, and i was too busy working to go out. they loved it. back to semester 2. february. i started out great. good marks, perfect attendance, a smile everyday. i had enough hours of sleep, of course i would be smiling. march. march break, to be exact. it was a week without school, i guess i could've messed up. i broke down my walls. after 8 months of being single, someone came along. i have to admit. i guess i did have someone in my life from about.. october/november. it didn't work out, lol . but anyways. i don't remember when we started talking, i'm usually great at dates..but anyways. let's call the person 20. me and 20 started talking, a lot, flirting, connecting, it was infatuation if we both look back at it now. we chilled on the 18th, and on the 19-20th spent 11 hours on the phone. on the 20th, we were together. it started out okay, i guess. but after 2 weeks or so, i noticed a slight change. 20 was getting bored, i was getting bored. it wasn't like the chopping scenes. obviously, it moved to the next step already. after a month, we talked but not enough, we both knew where it was going to end up. 2 months, 20 ended it . well .. it was mutual . may 28th. see i remember this date -_- anyways. during those months.. i messed up. reaaaal bad. my marks dropped by 10% in every class but art, i came late, i cared less. if i was running late for work, i'd shrug my shoulders and say to myself, oh well. if i got a 50-70 on something, i'd shrug my shoulders and say to myself, oh well. don't get me wrong. 20 didn't fuck me over. it wasn't because of him that caused my thoughts, actions. it's because i let my walls down for him. and they didn't come back up, when i should've. i let someone come close to me, and that's what fucked me over. another person came into my life.. 14. of course, you're thinking - why? why would you do that if your walls were down, you knew you'd get hurt ! i don't know. i guess when you're in the moment, things happen. haha.. in april. every weekend i got drunk. i k.o'd on the 11th, had a performance on the 12th. my mother had to come to the party, drag me to the car and drive me home. she pulled me out from a party i knew only about 10 people from, my cousins helping. i'm not proud. by june, i gave up. i stopped trying. i guessed on tests, quizzes, the exams, eqao. i got 50 on my eqao, then 80 on the next one. not so bad. but barely passed. it's saddening, actually. i was a straight a student to b's and c's. how'd it happen .. i came late to school almost everyday, i didn't care. i let myself fall so hard, and i didn't care. it's been 5 months that i've opened up. this is one of the last. i'm tired of going nowhere, i'm tired of being hungover, i'm tired of sleeping, i'm tired of seeing disappointed faces on my parents everyday. i'm tired of this moment, all i want to do is make my phfamily happy. why's it so hard..? it used to be so easy . music pounding in my ears, it's the only thing i can trust . connecting with the lyrics, feeling the beats, drums, sailing over the guitars, violins, i love music. this is getting really jumpy, you're probably wondering where i'm trying to go with this. i really don't know. i'm just letting it all out, typing as fast as i could , slowing down, and another outrage. lmao. nowadays.. i could barely go on a day without a redbull, i'm broke.. again.. my exes are talking to me, people telling me to come out, ugh. it's hard to be left alone. i don't know. don't read this if you got this far, it'll make no sense. i've lost the mind to open up. LOL, now i feel like being stupid so i'll stop. this is part one. it's time to let go..but for now, i gotta go : ). fin.